Staff Reports
Vice President Kamala Harris achieved a new level of non-attendance recently by completely missing the prestigious Alfred E. Smith Memorial Dinner, perhaps signaling her own bid for “most absent candidate” in history. Rather than share an evening with Democrats, Republicans, or even the least popular No Labels candidates, Harris opted instead for a pre-recorded video, as if her agenda is just too busy for a gathering of America’s finest—all to support a charitable cause, no less.
Her absence was made all the more ironic by the presence of a life-sized cardboard cut-out of Harris herself, which was strategically set up around the venue, including a rather noteworthy spot in the women’s restroom. The juxtaposition of attendees mingling with a stationary version of Harris in the bathroom speaks volumes about her genuine connection to the event—because nothing says “I care” quite like a photo op that can be leveraged from the comfort of one’s own living room.
Recap of Al Smith dinner, also known as the straw that broke Kamala’s back:
— FreeEagle 🦅 (@RealFreeEagle) October 18, 2024
Attendees were treated to the delightful surprise of finding a cardboard Harris greeting them as they entered. One attendee, clearly perplexed, recounted her stunned reaction upon encountering Kamala’s lifeless likeness while trying to refresh herself in the restroom—an image that will forever be etched in her memory. Apparently, the engagement of cardboard cut-outs was the only representation of locals the former Attorney General could muster.
To make matters worse, former President Donald Trump couldn’t help but comment on Harris’ significant snub during his speech. He pounced on the opportunity to highlight this unprecedented absence, marking a historical low for Democratic candidates at the dinner. Trump’s comments, reminiscent of a roast more than a political critique, pointed out that Harris seems to think she can skate by the downsides of real-world obligations while securing her presidential bid—fresh out of the cardboard box.
In a statement that will likely go down in infamy, the Archdiocese of New York remained enigmatically silent about the cardboard cut-out’s bathroom residency while asserting, through their spokesman, that he was not present to confirm the report. This lack of accountability inevitably leads one to wonder—if a cut-out was spotted in the restroom, what does that say about this administration’s priorities? Perhaps they’d prefer their cardboard stand-ins to make the real appearances.
