Staff Reports
In an astounding twist reminiscent of a bad Hollywood movie, the Senate and House panels are gearing up to release a preliminary report on the security failures surrounding the recent assassination attempts on former President Donald Trump. Apparently, the rallies are turning into more than just red hat celebrations—now they come with live ammunition. It raises the question: is this a rally or a bizarre version of “Survivor: Trump Edition”?
The impending reports promise to dissect the events of July 13 in Butler, Pennsylvania, where bullets apparently flew faster than a Biden gaffe. Lawmakers are now scrutinizing whether the Secret Service has dropped the ball—or the bullet, one might say—on safeguarding the former president. Remarkably, just days after the Butler rally, a would-be assailant was caught lurking outside Trump’s golf club in Florida, armed and apparently ready for action. It’s almost as if the world has turned upside down, where would-be assassins now feel confident enough to plan their weekends in close proximity to the former commander-in-chief.
UPDATE: Trump Assassination Attempt
Democrat Sen. Richard Blumenthal says a report is coming on the Trump assassination attempt "will absolutely shock the American people."
"I think the American people are going to be shocked, astonished & appalled by what we will report to… pic.twitter.com/FICw35lTUS
— MJTruthUltra (@MJTruthUltra) September 12, 2024
Senator Rand Paul—who apparently has more common sense than the average late-night host—has pointed out that two assassination attempts in a mere couple of months is a clear signal that Trump’s security detail needs an upgrade, perhaps alongside a health plan considering the stress levels involved. It seems like a tragic irony that a man who once led the free world is now at risk from crazed individuals who might think they’re auditioning for a reality show. Meanwhile, the security failures from the first attempt are labeled as “many, many things that went wrong.” One would assume that includes forgetting to check the bushes for rifles.
As Democrats from Michigan, namely Senator Gary Peters, begrudgingly prepare to unveil their report—though one notes it has the speed of molasses in January—they’re also investigating the more recent attempt. Peters, while playing the political game, ironically also emphasizes that they want to have their findings out before Congress takes a break until after the November election. Perhaps they’d prefer not to leave the public with questions to ponder during their holiday break, particularly about who is really looking out for the safety of prominent figures.
The situation isn’t just a Democrat-only affair. Speaker Mike Johnson, grasping the urgency of the matter, announced next week’s hearing to delve into the multitude of security blunders at the Pennsylvania rally. The aim is to dissect what went wrong when Trump was literally shot at—in what sounds suspiciously like a scene from a dystopian future. With an interim report on its way and a final verdict expected by mid-December, one can only hope they include a section on “How Not to Let the President Get Shot.”
As frustrations boil over with the Department of Homeland Security’s apparent reluctance to cooperate, both sides of the aisle seem united in their admonishments of cleaning house—though one suspects they could cook up a scandal quicker than speed-dating. Democrats are whimpering about the lack of transparency from the Secret Service, while Republicans, led by Wisconsin’s Ron Johnson, are clamoring for more subpoenas, effectively throwing a wrench into the well-oiled bureaucracy of ineptitude. If this situation had an alternate name, it could very well be “Congressional Comedy of Errors”—too bad lives are at stake.
