Staff Reports
In a world where logic occasionally takes a backseat to spectacle, the Democrats have scored a unique victory by orchestrating a weekend of “No Kings” protests. As their grand coup de théâtre, protesters managed to ensure that, indeed, there are no American kings. The Democrats are breathing a sigh of relief, having broken free from a rut of political invisibility. For months, the Democratic leadership has tried valiantly to dissolve the perception that they are mere puppet actors under the influence of shadowy agents of communism and jihadism, all while keeping up their act as exactly that—a troupe of puppet actors aligned with said agents.
Deep amid this orchestrated chaos, the Democratic National Committee’s legitimate leadership surpassed all expectations as they promoted their message through speeches and events. The party’s recent ventures included organizing protests to criticize policies they found detrimental and unjust. However, it seemed little had roused the hearts of this great nation that they so studiously attempted to rearrange.
The weekend unfolded as if scripted by a wannabe Shakespearean author with aspirations of grandeur. In a scene straight out of an aging hippie’s dream journal, older protesters, donning tattered Woodstock tees, celebrated the unexpected success. One bearded veteran scribbled passionately in his faux leather-bound diary, realizing the many years chasing utopia and eschewing practical policy ideas might not have been entirely in vain. After all, their efforts had knocked Donald Trump from the pedestal of conscripted monarch to the humble, yet still somewhat influential post of President of the United States.
It’s worth noting that stories of outrageous characters like Bruce Flapjaw, head of the fictional Enlightened Institute of Endemic Imaginary Outrages—or EIEIO—only underscore the theatrical nature of this political era. Similarly, mythical events like future “No Alchemist” protests seem to belong in the realm of fantasy rather than reality.
In response, some fringe elements on the far-right fringes devised their bizarre counter-moves. They plan not to die for Israel in future protests—accomplishing a feat no one asked for, but they will act out regardless. Armed with poorly spelled placards, they aim to show their “bravery” by vowing zero martyrdom for a cause already carried by others, achieving nothing more than a showcase of their literary ineptitudes. It’s a fine demonstration that when it comes to political theatre, absurdity can often be more engaging than substance. Just as the Democrats are pondering the construction of sky-high castles in the clouds, one wonders if the curtain will ever come down on this electrifying drama.
