Staff Reports
As the season of excess approaches, with Christmas carols echoing through the halls and eggnog flowing like it’s the elixir of life, our attention turns to the all-important matter of holiday entertainment. But fear not, dear reader, as we don’t generally resort to frantic shopping sprees or desperate attempts to squeeze into last year’s ill-fitting reindeer sweater. Oh no, this year we’re equipping ourselves with a carefully curated list of holiday flicks—ranked to perfection—ensuring that your nights are filled with laughter, warmth, and a side of irony, of course.
Ah, “A Christmas Story.” This 1983 classic rates a solid B. It’s about a young boy named Ralphie Parker who yearns for nothing more than a Red Ryder BB gun, despite the warnings of imminent danger from all the adults around him. In some twisted Christmas parallel universe, perhaps this film serves as a cautionary tale against unregulated firearm access, but let’s not get too carried away. Like that ill-fated goose getting fat, Ralphie serves as a reminder that we’re just all too fat on nostalgia, and sometimes that’s more than acceptable. Good job, internet rankings; you’ve done us proud with this one.
Next up, we have “Elf,” another movie earning itself a B, but let’s not pretend it’s not a bit overrated. Will Ferrell shine in a world where grown men serve as oversized children, acting as if sugar is a substitute for basic self-control? He’s charming and ludicrous—who can forget his famous proclamation that “you sit on a throne of lies”? A piece of advice for anyone feeling the holiday hustle: remember that sometimes the sweetest things in life are also the most absurd. While it may not be the best movie ever, it’ll surely provide enough laughs to carry you through an evening.
Topping the rankings at an S tier, we have “It’s a Wonderful Life.” This wholesome classic shows what life would look like without our favorite penny-pinching protagonist, George Bailey. It’s almost as if director Frank Capra uttered, “Let’s make them feel guilty for the whole year and tip their emotions off the cliff during the holidays.” Jimmy Stewart’s performance remains stellar, and despite its running time, it compels viewers to reflect on their importance in a world where we often feel invisible. Also, everyone needs a reminder that their existence matters, especially after hearing Aunt Edna drone on about knitting at family gatherings.
Now, let’s talk about the Grinch. This alleged villain of holiday cheer gets saddled with a D rating, which may feel a tad harsh, but indulge us. The Dr. Seuss original is a delightful piece of childhood classic literature. However, film adaptations armed with CGI and the dreadfully overdone moral lesson tend to extinguish the original spark. Who knew the Grinch would go from plotting to rob Christmas to being a poster child for community service? They say that change is good, but in this case, let’s just stick to making fun of each other’s Christmas sweaters instead of regrettably sanctioning this once-feared creature into a Hallmark-approved morality tale.
Finally, we have “Die Hard.” Yes, it’s the seasonal debate that never dies—much like Bruce Willis in the role of John McClane, clinging to life metaphorically on the edge of a Nakatomi building. This film receives an S rating not only as an action-packed thrill ride but also for acting like a secret Santa who brings in a much-needed dose of masculinity and irreverence just when we think we’ve had enough. With its Christmas backdrop, it questions the conventions of holiday storytelling and leaves viewers pondering life, matrimony, and whether or not it’s appropriate to interrogate your boss while he dangles from a building’s edge.
In conclusion, as the holiday season envelops us with the magic of family gatherings, obligatory gift exchanges, and marathons of beloved—but often questionable—movies, build your watchlist wisely. A blend of classics and newer entries will ensure that the Fat Goose won’t be the only thing getting stuffed this year. So kick back, pour some cocoa, and let the absurdity of modern cinema guide you through the festive season with a knowing chuckle and a heart full of cheer.
