Staff Reports
Elon Musk’s newly minted Department of Government Efficiency, or DOGE for short (ironically echoing a cryptocurrency that many folks wish would stay in the past), has unearthed some remarkable, or should one say alarming, findings in the Social Security database. It seems that while the rest of the nation has been busy trying to keep up with reality, the Social Security Administration has been listing a whole bunch of nonagenarians and centenarians as still kicking, along with a fair few who clearly missed the boat for the nearest retirement home—by several centuries.
According to Musk, the Social Security records include a staggering number of entries for individuals reportedly over 150 years old. He cheekily suggested via social media that perhaps the twilight mythos is more than just fiction, joking that there might be a herd of socially secure vampires lurking around—collecting benefits like it’s still 1899. This revelation might sound as outlandish as his space explorations but it highlights a serious problem within a system that is expected to safeguard Americans in their twilight years.
As a friend of mine described it, this is like an amazing puzzle, uncovering the secrets of an ancient civilization that went extinct … except it’s still around 😂 https://t.co/XTuA2Ptunh
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) February 17, 2025
Musk’s findings include a treasure trove of peculiar data: individuals in the age ranges of 200-229 years and even an uncanny record of someone supposedly alive at somewhere between 360 and 369 years old. It’s almost comical that while most people are fretting about their retirement funds dwindling, the government appears to be maintaining a stable supply of residents capable of outliving even the oldest tree in the forest. The age categorization chart posted by Musk reveals a weird normalcy in ages below 100 and an outright absurdity in ages beyond that. How does one complain about their paltry Social Security check when the government is still sending them to individuals who may have once shaken hands with George Washington?
This initiative by DOGE is more than whimsical. Musk has been charged with ridding the federal bureaucracy of inefficiencies and fraud, and his unmasking of the Social Security data apocalypse certainly serves as a wake-up call. Forget the zombies; the real horror story is that thousands may still be collecting Social Security checks from beyond the grave. With predictions around 2033 indicating the Social Security Trust Fund may run dry, these apparitions of age not only raise eyebrows but make it painfully clear that the system is in dire need of an overhaul before it’s too late.
Musk’s dogged determination to cut through bureaucratic sludge has led to significant pushes in reform—aggressively slashing budgets at various federal agencies and expanding IRS access to catch fraudsters. Prominent among those caught in the web of administrative failings is 77-year-old Wilfredo Pagan, whose efforts to prove he is alive have been met with bureaucratic roadblocks that evoke laughter and sympathy in equal measure. Pagan’s plight exemplifies the dire straits of a system all too comfortable with tossing living citizens into an administrative void labeled “deceased.”
While critics might howl about Musk’s methods and potential conflicts of interest, the reality is undeniable: Social Security is hanging by a thread over a bottomless pit of bureaucratic bloat and misinformation. If it takes a few tech moguls dabbling in government efficiency to shine a light on the incompetence plaguing the system, then perhaps calling in the clowns—er, innovators—wasn’t such a bad idea after all. If anything, let’s hope the next update doesn’t come from a phalanx of 200-year-olds complaining about their benefits being too low.
